Posted 15 August 2012 - 04:07 PM
I am 33, male, hetero, artist. My numerology number is 3. ‘Inner dream number’ is also 3. Soul age number is 9.
Actually I am a very spiritual person, although non-religious. I am not schizophrenic and without taking drugs (prescribed or otherwise) I have had many spiritual experiences in my life. My earliest began when I was ridiculously little, but these are so multiple and bizarre that I am not sure which or how to convey them.
The thing is, all my life I have seemed off-balanced in this world. I always felt like I didn’t belong here. I always thought and felt differently, had different instincts. People seemed drawn to materialism and competiveness, while I was always disgusted by BS and cruelty. When I was a child I was super sensitive (I literally felt the emotions of others like they were my own.) With this sensitivity came many shamanic-type experiences (some positive, some negative) and a great deal of emotional complexity to work through for myself, alone.
I used to be sucked into the black tunnel a lot, starting at age 9. This started one Halloween and continued until age 13 or so, when I developed enough will power to resist it. It’d come over me like a “strange feeling” that is impossible to describe. I’d forget who I was, where and why, and who everyone and everything was around me was, until it all faded away and I found myself in a black tunnel. There was only peace there. All dark. I was in metaphysical form, no physical body. I could see a blue sphere of the earth behind me and a vague memory of being there, but the further along the tunnel I went the more I forgot what it was and that is meant anything to me.
Then there would be a spark, as if an invisible string reached its length, and in an instant I’d feel connected to (and semi-conscious in) my body and I’d be sucked back into it. When I came to, realizing where I’d just been and that I’d forgotten everything and everyone that I loved, I was terrified. I’d cling onto the floor and chant my name and location (and the fact that I am real) over and over in a kind of grounding meditation. Despite my best efforts, the “strange feeling” overcome me and I’d find myself back in the black tunnel, and then sucked back into my body, until I focused my mind hard enough by blocking out the experience all together.
I forgot all about it as I got older, until I got into reading about spiritualism in my early 20s and realized I could handle it now. By the mere mention of it, it starts to come over me (like right now) but I have the will to hold myself firmly here on the earth, against its pull. I have no idea why this happens and no one else ever seems to. My doctor said it was “just a phase” and that I’d grow out of it. I knew a wise Buddhist whose best guess was that it occurred due to some psychological trauma, but I’m not sure.
I do remember being four years old and remembering that something really bad had happened to me, but perhaps I had blocked it out because I’ve never been able to recall what happened.
When I was 23 I was attacked and semi-possessed by a demon. This is a huge story but I’ll keep it as brief as possible. I had a negative experience in a strange city involving a crazy women, during which I left myself open to an emotional attack by her. It was in this moment when I felt, for just a second, a demon leave her and enter me. Increasingly after this I felt it coming over me in different ways. I returned home (to the country) and one night it started attacking me. Its consciousness would slam against mine like one stone striking another. I started having panic attacks (the first one leaving me crippled with stress for years to come.) I had a struggle against insomnia also, as nearly every time I’d just start to drift asleep it would hit me again, thus teaching me to mistrust going to sleep.
One time I woke up to find my bed shaking up and down above the floor by itself. Many mornings my room temperature would be very, very warm despite it being winter, my heater being off (and not working anyway), my door open and the rest of the house cool! I’d hear voices and of course feel the presence. In days leading up to the first attack I saw shadow men following me around, but they seemed to disappear after my attacks started. They like struck me as agents due to their perfect posture and cardboard-cutout-like appearance. I believe they were behind the demon attacks somehow, perhaps the strategists?
It would attack me when I was weak and got stronger as I got weaker, and yet the demon itself I felt to be quite stupid (mentally handicapped by human standards.) I described it as “explicitly crude”, as it had no concept of sympathy or social interaction whatsoever. It didn’t seem to be sadistic so much as it just wanted to keep draining me like a parasite that didn’t know any better. One time, it shoved me deep inside a black tunnel (not the ‘black tunnel’ I mentioned before but into the depths of my unconscious mind.) I believed that it wanted control over my body and this terrified me. I embraced the energy that was pushing me down and this allowed me to rise up, back into my body. I felt more whole after this.
I started researching demonic cases for help. I even spoke with the demonist Ed Warren by email, who advised me to see a psychologist first. The psychologist I saw got advice from a psychiatrist and together they concluded that my “demon” was just my “artistic interoperation of a panic attack” and he gave me advice to help me deal with the stress. I thanked him, and left. I read that calling about the power of Jesus Christ would help. I laughed at this as I wasn’t religious at all, so when I commanded the demon to leave “in the name of Jesus Christ, The Lord” I didn’t even say it with any enthusiasm whatsoever. And yet I felt it react to the name “Jesus” with distain every time I used it. I didn’t drive it away, but it helped.
I also started sleeping in the daytime and got my strength back. I got stronger, it got weaker. Eventually it came at me in the daytime and I fought it off aggressively with my physic powers. It was weak now and after a couple confrontations it ran away. Occasionally it would still come at me in the night, either trying to sneak its consciousness into mine like a light cloth over my body/mind that I’d barely notice or by attacking me like a vicious bat. I’d just push it away. Overcoming it made me feel that I could overcome anything, however the stress it caused has consumed almost a decade of my life (I am only now getting back to living it.)
My problems are clumsiness, a bad memory for details, forgetting milk on a table or meat still in a grocery bag, as well as social discomfort that goes back to my childhood (although I am a lot more confident than I used to be.)
You asked for it, so here it is lol. Sorry if it makes me sound crazy but it’s the truth. I seem to be caught between worlds. I have had many experiences of the spiritual/paranormal, as if that world is a part of me. I am always distracted by it (or by thought or imagination) as I always have been. Most everyone likes me and thinks I’m a really nice guy, but I am often misunderstood and underestimated (perhaps as I’m too quiet.) But there is much of me that people would not understand, about what I’ve experienced, what I know and how I feel.
To me, this life is a dream and the only thing real is consciousness. I have been numbed and strengthened by many experiences but I am still sensitive. I often seem to act ahead of myself though, doing things on impulse without thinking them through. It’s like I’m trying to be a spiritual person and am not employing my logical half to my actions as well. But I find it hard to be more practical without losing sight of my spiritual half, which is easily faded while doing completive work alongside material-minded people who I can get along with but barely identify with at all.
Sorry this turned out so long, I tried to keep it short. I would like to find a spiritual balance which I feel I have been lacking all of my life.