176 replies to this topic

[Justa]

For anybody who has applied for a passport:


Dear Mr. Prime Minister;

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this.

How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a TV Cable from them back in 1997, and yet, the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For crying out loud, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date, you have on my social insurance card, on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years, my health insurance card, my driver's license, on the last eight passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, as well as all of those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Yvonne, and my father's name is Frank. I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die! Man!

I apologize, Mr. Minister. I'm really ticked off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there?! Look at my picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up a mummy for crying out loud, I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach.

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that'd be too easy!

You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some bozo to confirm that it's really me on the stupid picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! Hey, you know why we can't smile?
We're ticked off!


Signed - An Irate Citizen

[Sheal]

LMAO Justa I LOVE that one. Reminds me of how hard it is to get a darn OHIP renewed now a days. Birth certs, utility bills, rental agreements...geeze and you would think they would keep this crap on record or something and when you ask if they do they give you this glazed over "huh?" look!

Oh this one made me giggle.

Thanks

Sheal

[Laurie Ann]

LOL!!! Justa, not only are you a 'cool cat' in civies AND military uniform...you have a great funny bone!!! Well...I guess I won't be applying for a passport anytime soon, eh? Just to be able to say "I've been a good girl and I haven't broken any noses...today" kinda thing! Dang, I guess I won't be joining Tom & Katie at their wedding after all...oh darn all the bad luck! That was cute, Justa!!! Just what we needed too!

[MoonChild]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stays awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.

and the dyslexic alcoholic went to a bra?

[MoonChild]

[Justa]

Through the eyes of the innocent ... Letters to God from Children:


Dear GOD, I read the Bible. What does ’begat’ mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Alison.

Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? -Lucy

Dear GOD, Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? -Anita

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother. -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, If we come back as something - please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her. -Denise

Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set. -Raphael

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they? -Marsha

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear GOD, I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool! -Eugene

[aloha_spirit]

12 Days of Christmas - A Cat's Rendition

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of Kleenex,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

[MoonChild]

Recently, while going through an airport during one of
his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with
long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and
holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man
and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like
Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight
ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the
president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and,
pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or
does that man not look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president, "every time I say his
name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead,
refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled,
"Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the
white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.
Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am
Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I
spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up
leading my people to the only spot in the entire
Middle East where there is no oil."

[ravenhecate]

MoonChild, on Dec 25 2006, 03:14 AM, said:

Recently, while going through an airport during one of
his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with
long gray hair, wearing a white robe and sandals, and
holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man
and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like
Moses?"

The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight
ahead.

The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.

The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the
president.

The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and,
pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or
does that man not look like Moses to you?"

The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.

"Well," said the president, "every time I say his
name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead,
refusing to speak. Watch!" Again the president yelled,
"Moses!" and again the man ignored him.

The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the
white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses.
Are you Moses?"

The man leaned over and whispered back, "Yes, I am
Moses. However, the last time I talked to a bush, I
spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up
leading my people to the only spot in the entire
Middle East where there is no oil."

That is hilarious

[MoonChild]

Have a Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except father's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As father did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung next the modem with care In the hope that Santa would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, With visions of computer games filling their heads.

Dark Forces for Billy, Doom II for Dan, Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by mum, To santa@toyshop.northpole.com--

Which now had been re-routed to Washington State Where Santa's workshop had been moved by Bill Gates. All the elves and the reindeer had had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After living a life that was simple and spare, Santa now finds he's a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington just down the way > From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk roms With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, >From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you're all of you through,

It's Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's theme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! To the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And mum in her 'kerchief and me in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whirr and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voices so bright, have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night!

[greenman]

ROFLMAO, that's a classic.

[Ambra]

A panda walks into a bar, pulls up a bar stool, and orders some potato skins. When he's finished, he pulls out a gun, shoots the bartender, then calmly walks out. The police find him soon afterwards and grab him. As they're putting the cuffs on him, the panda protests, "You can't arrest me! I didn't do anything illegal! Look it up in the dictionary!" One of the officers gets a dictionary and looks up "panda" and sure enough, right there in black and white, it says "A panda eats shoots and leaves."

[MoonChild]

Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"

[MoonChild]

[Flormarina]

April Fools!





Defense Attorney:Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was f riendly.

Defense Attorney:What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:Why not?

Little Old Lady:It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:What happened next?

Little Old Lady:He began to rub my breasts.


Defense Attorney:Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:Why not?

Little Old Lady:His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:What happened next?

Little Old Lady:Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little BAD_WORD