249 replies to this topic

[greenman]

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE

Refering me at work?

Nope. I'm in the same boat too

[MoonChild]

Hard Work v/s Hadly Work! friends in trouble1

[dannyboy]

A man goes to his doctor,


he tells the doc that he is very worried about the lump that has appeared in the middle of his forhead,

DOC: im very sorry i must tell you, that the lump will grow into a penis,


MAN: shock horror......... oh no, really,


DOC: its ok dont worry because........................



.......................

give it two weeks and you will also grow 2 balls and wont be able to see it

[greenman]

Moonie: I'm working hard at hardly working. LOL

[Justa]

You Have to Wonder how we, as a species, made it to where we are today:

ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager a the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE: A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR: Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

FIVE: A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency

And finally, my favorite:

SIX: I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."

[greenman]

ONE: Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager a the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO: I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

Now these are really scary. Hilarious, but really scary.

[MoonChild]

[MoonChild]

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

[Vivienne_DuBois]

[greenman]

Here are a few more from my humor file:

Energizer bunny arrested - charged with battery.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts (give this one a minute)
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A successful diet is the result of mind over platter.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Alarms. What an octopus is.
Incongruous: Where bills are passed.
Khakis:What you need to start the car in Boston

Hope you like.

[aloha_spirit]

Bill's friend Harry arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by his attorney. Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

Before the attorney could speak, Harry replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win." The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look. "I can prove it," said Harry. "How about a demonstration?"
The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Harry said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"
Harry removed his glass eye and bit it. The official's jaw dropped. Harry said, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Harry wasn't blind, so he took the bet. Harry then removed his dentures and bit his good eye. The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!
"Want to go double or nothing?" Harry asked. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy could manage that stunt, so he agreed again! Harry climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely, and pretty much peed all over the desk. The official grinned. He had just turned a huge loss into a huge win! But then he noticed that Harry's attorney looked shocked and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.

The lawyer replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Harry bet me twenty thousand dollars he'd pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

[MoonChild]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in
there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a football."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have football boots."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - £750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and
football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How
much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that again. You're in my cupboard"

[Laurie Ann]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit
onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece
of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me
crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR
stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up!"

[MoonChild]

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls.

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me.

Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

[Justa]

A lady is driving down the highway and gets pulled over by the police. She quickly tries to think of ways to avoid getting a speeding ticket. She looks up at the officer, and brushes her hair back in a flirty sort of way and says "But officer, I didn't think that you gave tickets to beautiful women", and she winks at him.

The officer looks back at her and says "You're right ma'am, we don't... please sign here"