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Rules For Dating My Daughter

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#1 Justa


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Posted 17 January 2005 - 03:45 PM

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I"m sure you"ve been told that in today"s world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don"tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine.
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#2 kats_god


    Has a problem with gas?

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Posted 17 January 2005 - 05:33 PM

thats pretty funny and so true. :lol:
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#3 snoopymom


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Posted 17 January 2005 - 06:27 PM

I am sure my husband would agree. I don't think my daughter stands a chance when it comes to dating... not with three older brothers and my husband. Poor girl - she's doomed to be dateless
I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it. --Charles SchulzPosted Image

#4 lulaboo


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Posted 17 January 2005 - 07:39 PM


lucky daughter you have! my dad expected my "dates" to take place in our front room in his and our dogs presences B)
Is it Peeps season yet?Gallon of citronella oil--$5.95Having said oil blessed by local Catholic priest--FreeThe look on a psychic vampires face after you douse it with blessed oil and call it a psychic mosquito--Priceless!!!There are some things money can't buy...A good imagination is one of them

#5 Willow


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Posted 17 January 2005 - 09:53 PM

:lol: Aww Justa, what is funny is that I can see you standing there telling this poor bewildered guy all that..whats scary is my dad did #10, he sat and cleaned his pistol really slowly while my poor date edged toward the door :lol:
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#6 little_bunny_bum_knee


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Posted 17 January 2005 - 10:42 PM

I am going to copy this and print it. Then when my 2 daughters are old enough to date, I will simply and calmly read each and everyone to them and then see if they truly wanna date my daughters, lol. That is if I decide to let them out of their bedrooms at the age of 30 or not! ROFLMAO! Sorry girls!
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#7 Vampchick21


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Posted 17 January 2005 - 10:44 PM

Oh Gods! Most of that coulda come out of my father's mouth! I'm telling you, as far as my daddy is concerned (yes...still to this day), no man is good enough for his little girl. Although he's come to terms with the one I married (despite the long hair, tattoos, eyebrow ring on the wedding day and biker family.....lol)

Scary thing....I can picture my husband, my father and my father in law pulling that on my future daughter(s) when they start dating.....all at the same time.

Picture, two bikers and an Irishman on the front porch when you come to pick up my daughter!

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#8 TallulahB


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Posted 18 January 2005 - 01:59 PM

My Dad always called my boyfriends a name "slug" He'd ask.."Hey slug, how's it goin"? He'd clean his guns on the living room floor...always when my date was due at the house. One day he told me as I was crying alligator tears...."Any guy that comes here to date my daughter will be back to see you if he really likes you, but if they don't return, then they were after one thing...they feared me more than they liked you". Now I have my own daughter....things that make you go hmmmmm.
"The will to believe is powerful" ...(Houdini)

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