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TGIF - Time to laugh!


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#16 flyingorb

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Posted 06 March 2003 - 02:50 PM

I saw this one on the net....hope you haven't heard it.

A father was passing his sons room and listened in on him praying.  The man's son said "God bless Grammy, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy,  good by Grampa"

The next day the lads Grampa dropped DEAD!

That night the father listened again as his son said "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, good bye Grammy"

The next day Grammy dropped DEAD!

Fearfully the father listened again to his sons prayers  "God bless Mommy, good bye Daddy"

The father was freeked out!  He went to work, cancelled all his appointments and hid in the office all day.

When he got home that night he started telling his wife what a rough day he had.  She interrupted and said "You think you had a bad day!  The mailman dropped DEAD on our porch!"


think about it LOL ;D
CRY HAVOK! Let Slip The Chihuahuas Of War.....When an ORB dies.......a Chihuahua is born!

#17 Coll

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Posted 06 March 2003 - 09:04 PM

LMAO... That was a good one orb!

#18 TIFFANYJEAN

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Posted 07 March 2003 - 06:47 AM

I Know I posted this one before, but its cracks me up every time!!

DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none.  You feel guilty for being
successful.
You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to    
sell
one
to raise money to pay the tax.
The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it    
to
your neighbor.  You feel righteous.  Barbara Streisand sings for you.

 SOCIALIST:
You have two cows.  The government takes one and gives it to your    
neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows.  Your neighbor has none.... So?

COMMUNIST:
You have two cows.  The government seizes both and provides you with    
milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.  It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.  You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.  The government taxes you to the point you have to    
sell
both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which    
was
a gift from your  government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows.  The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.  You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an
IPO on the 2nd one.  You force the two cows to produce the milk of
four cows.  You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and
are reducing expenses.  Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.  You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch.  Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.  You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size
of an ordinary cow and  produce twenty times the milk. They learn to
travel on unbelievably crowded trains.  Most are at the top of their    
class
at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.  You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots
of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.  While ambling
around, you see a beautiful woman.  You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.   You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.  You count them again and learn you have
42 cows.   You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION:
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.  You don't milk
them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.  At night
when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them.  Then you
kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the
hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION:
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION:
You have a black cow and a brown cow.  Everyone votes for the best
looking one.   Some of the people who like the brown one best, vote
for the black one.   Some people vote for both.   Some people vote
for neither.   Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.  Finally,    

a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION:
You have fifteen million cows.  You have to choose which one will be
the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas
Tiffany:O)

#19 MoonChild

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Posted 02 June 2003 - 01:55 AM

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"



....... got it from the net!  ;D

Take my hand and we'll go riding through the sunshine from above


#20 JeniSue21

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Posted 02 June 2003 - 04:10 AM

A Sweet A** Story
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, “Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?”
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream “Oh Henry, Oh Henry!”
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff.” I said, “Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?”
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, “Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!  

Found this one on the web, hope you all liked it!!   ;D

#21 JeniSue21

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Posted 02 June 2003 - 04:15 AM

Here's another good one.........

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Sh*t! THAT'S the word!”
;D ;D ;D ;D

#22 nonnie

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Posted 03 June 2003 - 10:44 AM

That is too funny!!  ;D

#23 MoonChild

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Posted 03 June 2003 - 07:53 PM

;D ;D ;D pooooor Steve!

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#24

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Posted 04 June 2003 - 12:29 PM

Whats the differance betweeb Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?












Beer nuts are $2.89
Deer nuts are "under a BUCK"

[glow=pink,2,300]dude that is so funny! lmao[/glow]

#25 Persia

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Posted 04 June 2003 - 12:37 PM

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say, the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now this is  why they record conversations!)

CusSup:  "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Customer:  "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
CS:      "What sort of trouble?"
C:      "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
CS:      "Went away?"
C:      "They disappeared."
CS:      "Hmmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
C:      "Nothing."
CS:      "Nothing?"
C:      "It's a blank; it won' t accept anything when I type."
CS:      "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
C:      "How do I tell?"
CS:      "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
C:      "What's a sea-prompt?"
CS:      "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
C:      "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
CS:      "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
C:      "What's a monitor?"
CS:      "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV." "Does  it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
C:      "I don't know.”
CS:      "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and  find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
C:      "Yes, I think so."
CS:      "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
C:      "Yes, it is."
CS:      "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
C:      "No."
CS:      "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
C:      "Okay, here it is."
CS:      "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
C:      "I can't reach."
CS:      "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
C:      "No."
CS:      "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
C:      "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
CS:      "Dark?"
C:      "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
CS:      "Well, turn on the office light then."
C:      "I can't."
CS:      "No? Why not?"
C:      "Because there's a power failure."
CS:      "A power............a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
C:      "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
CS:      "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
C:      "Really? Is it that bad?"
CS:      "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
C:      "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
CS:      "Tell them you're too fu**ing stupid to own a computer."

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Perfer et obdura; dolor hic tibi proderit olim. --Ovid--


#26 NHGhostHunter

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Posted 04 June 2003 - 01:01 PM

Why don't chickens wear pants?












because their pecker's on their head!

#27 MoonChild

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Posted 14 June 2003 - 04:00 AM

At a Bar-Mitzvah, the rabbi stacked a bunch of apples on one end of a table with a sign saying, "Take only one apple please - God is watching."

On the other end of the table was a pile of cookies which a friend of the bar-mitzvah boy had placed a sign on saying, "Take all the cookies you want - God is watching the apples."

:P ;) ;) Our Village Friends were talking of cookies in one thread! have as much as you want! I have had my share lmao  8) nonnieeeeeee...... listening?

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#28 kats_god

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Posted 18 June 2003 - 02:51 PM

>
>A gastroenterologist claims these are actual comments made by patients
made
>while he was performing rectal exams:
>
>1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone
before."
>
>2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
>
>3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
>
>4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
>
>5. "Could you write me a note for my wife saying that my head is, in
fact,
>not up there?"
>
>6. "You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
>
>7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
>
>8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the
>Hokey
>
>Pokey...."
>
>9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
>
>10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"
>
>11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
>
>12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
>
>13. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
>
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#29 kats_god

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Posted 18 June 2003 - 02:54 PM

easter candy
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#30 kats_god

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Posted 18 June 2003 - 02:57 PM

>The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.
>After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.
>
>Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says, "Tonto,
>look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
>
>Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."
>
>"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.
>
>Tonto ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me
>that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
>Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
>Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
>morning.
>
>Theologically, it's evident God is all-powerful and we are small and
>insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
>tomorrow.
>
>What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"
>
>
>
>
>The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dumb BAD_WORD,
>someone has stolen our tent."
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