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TGIF - Time to laugh!


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#31 kats_god

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Posted 20 June 2003 - 10:05 AM

the real mr. roggers
Check out my artwork at: http://www.jimdemick.com/
and on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Art-of-Jim-Demick/261669903877527

"There are some things money can't buy...A good imagination is one of them

#32 kats_god

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Posted 21 June 2003 - 11:59 AM

Dear Tide:

     I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have. I've used it
     since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the
     best.

     In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law's house, I spilled
     some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me about my
     drinking problem. One thing lead to another and I ended up with a lot of
     her blood on my white blouse, as well.

     I tried to get the stain out using her bargain detergent, but it just
     wouldn't come out. On my way home, I stopped and got a bottle of liquid
     Tide with bleach alternative, and all of the stains came out! They came
     out so well, in fact, that the police's DNA tests were negative!

     I thank you, once again, for a great product.

     Well, gotta go, I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people
Check out my artwork at: http://www.jimdemick.com/
and on Facebook https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Art-of-Jim-Demick/261669903877527

"There are some things money can't buy...A good imagination is one of them

#33 CajunKnight

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Posted 21 June 2003 - 08:14 PM

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all Night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Welcome to ghostvillage, home of 24,000+ smiling faces and a few old grouches."Some things have to be believed to be seen"Ralph Hodgson

#34 CajunKnight

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Posted 21 June 2003 - 08:16 PM

A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of golf clubs with him.
"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.
"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"
Welcome to ghostvillage, home of 24,000+ smiling faces and a few old grouches."Some things have to be believed to be seen"Ralph Hodgson

#35 CajunKnight

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Posted 21 June 2003 - 08:18 PM

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...
Welcome to ghostvillage, home of 24,000+ smiling faces and a few old grouches."Some things have to be believed to be seen"Ralph Hodgson

#36 CajunKnight

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Posted 21 June 2003 - 08:19 PM

Three elderly men go out walking:
First one says. "Windy isn't it? "
Second one says, "No its Thursday!"!
Third one says. "So am I. Lets go get a beer".
Welcome to ghostvillage, home of 24,000+ smiling faces and a few old grouches."Some things have to be believed to be seen"Ralph Hodgson

#37 CajunKnight

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Posted 21 June 2003 - 08:20 PM

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."
My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.
Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.
Welcome to ghostvillage, home of 24,000+ smiling faces and a few old grouches."Some things have to be believed to be seen"Ralph Hodgson

#38 CajunKnight

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Posted 21 June 2003 - 08:22 PM

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS."
Welcome to ghostvillage, home of 24,000+ smiling faces and a few old grouches."Some things have to be believed to be seen"Ralph Hodgson

#39 dntueva

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Posted 22 June 2003 - 06:38 AM

Now thats funny!! ;D ;D

LOL
Michael

Posted ImageIt Always Pays To Pay Attention


#40 CajunKnight

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Posted 23 June 2003 - 02:39 PM

A good looking man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male
pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist
and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males
employed there. She then asked if there was something which she
could help the gentleman with.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that
she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to
discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the
highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but
I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and
severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my
sister." When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership in the store, a company
car, and $3000. a month living expenses"
Welcome to ghostvillage, home of 24,000+ smiling faces and a few old grouches."Some things have to be believed to be seen"Ralph Hodgson

#41 MoonChild

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Posted 01 July 2003 - 03:43 AM

:P ;) ;) :D BLONDE JOKE lmao

A man is driving along a highway and sees a hare jump out cross the
middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
the hare jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man
as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has
become of the hare. Much to his dismay, the hare is dead. The driver
feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving
down the highway sees the man crying onthe side of the road and pulls
over. She steps out of the car and asks the man about his problem. "I
feel terrible," he explains "I accidentally hit this hare and killed
it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead hare, bends down, and
sprays the contents onto the hare. The hare jumps up, waves its paw at
the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten metres away the hare
stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another ten
metres, turns and waves, hops another ten metres, turns and waves, and
repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The
man is astonished. He naturally asks the woman, "What's in that can?
What did you spray on that hare?" The blonde woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label. It says
.....................................
Are you ready for this? You know you're going to be sorry!
--
--

--

--
--

It says, "Hair spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent
wave."

Take my hand and we'll go riding through the sunshine from above


#42 ghostlover

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Posted 01 July 2003 - 05:55 AM

This is one my aunt sent me. I was LMAO so hard, Im surprised I was able to think to post this one. Let me know what you think of it. Its dirty, but yet its clean too.

Spaghetti

 A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One
night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was
pregnant.

 Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of
money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he
would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but
wondered how he would know when the baby is born. To keep it discrete, he told
her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then
arrange for child support. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his
confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said. The wife obeyed,
and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card
was written - - "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.  Two with meatballs, one
without."
In order to get to the fruit of the tree, you have to go out on a limb ~ "Out on a Limb", Shirley Maclaine ~ GL4L ~ http://gl4l.maclenet.com

#43 wnterstar

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Posted 01 July 2003 - 11:59 AM

A guy buys a new sports car and takes it out for a drive.  After awhile in city traffic, he decided to go out to the country and really open it up.

As he travels down this country lane at about 50 mph, he looks out his windows and sees a chicken keeping pace with his car.

He thinks "this isn't possible!"

He speeds up to 65 mph....He looks up and the chicken was still there!

So he floors it.  100 mph.

He looks out the window and the chicken is still there!!!

The chicken looks at him, sticks his tongue out and takes off down the road!  About a mile up the road the chicken turns into a farm yard.

The guy says to himself "there has to be a story behind that chicken, and I have to hear it!"

He screetches to a halt, skidding into the driveway.

He sees the chicken sitting there and realizes the chicken has 3 legs!

He seeks out the farmer and asks about it.

"Well" the farmer says, "there are 3 of us on the farm, me, my wife and our son and we each like drumsticks.  So I developed this three-legged chicken to solve the dilema"

"That's great!" the guys says.  "How does it taste?"

"Don't know" the farmer replied.  "Can't catch the sucker!!!!"

#44 MoonChild

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Posted 31 July 2003 - 07:22 AM

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

Take my hand and we'll go riding through the sunshine from above


#45 MoonChild

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Posted 14 August 2003 - 07:26 AM

Fun Things To Do at the Office

Remove the jug from the water cooler and drink from it periodically, bragging that you 'got the last one.'

Photocopy things around the office, such as lamps, potted plants, staplers, etc. If someone asks about it, just say 'You never can be too careful.'

Turn your radio up full blast and sing along loudly with the song. Invite others to join you.

Pretend to be hypnotized by someone's screen saver.

Go into someone's office, grab a book from their shelves, and begin reading it aloud to them. If they interrupt, give them an evil look.

Give a secretary a copy of Hamlet and ask them to proofread it.

Use a hole punch to punch holes in all your outgoing mail. Explain that the holes 'make it more aerodynamic'.

Bring a lawnmower into the office and pretend to mow the carpet.

Bring a TV remote control to the office and try to 'change the channel' on people's computers. When it doesn't work, mumble something about 'cheap Japanese crap.'

Pull a chair up to your window and pretend to be working at a fast food drive-through.

Take my hand and we'll go riding through the sunshine from above





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