TGIF--Time to laugh 2
Posted 07 June 2006 - 11:45 AM
At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1) for no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.
2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windows, shut off the car restart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.
4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.
6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.
7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.
9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.
10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.
11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.
12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.
13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.
14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."
Posted 09 June 2006 - 12:22 PM
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly Lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a
person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the
congregation, and said: "I outlived them."
Posted 15 June 2006 - 07:45 AM
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
One hand on horn,
one hand on holding gear,
one ear listening to loud music,
one ear on cell phone,
one foot on accelerator,
one foot on clutch,
nothing on break,
eyes on females in next car,
Posted 28 June 2006 - 03:12 PM
He stays awake all night wondering if there's a Dog.
Posted 29 June 2006 - 10:02 AM
Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"
"I think so," replied the other hunter. I think this is about the same place where we landed last year!"
Posted 10 July 2006 - 05:14 PM
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"
Posted 31 July 2006 - 03:31 PM
* A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
* The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
* When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
* Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
* Clouds are high flying fogs.
* I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it,and that is the important thing.
* Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around.There is not much else to do.
* Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
* Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
* "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
* "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
* "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."
* "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
* "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which here are five - a, e,i, o and u."
* "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana ."
* "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa .."
* "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
* "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
Posted 31 July 2006 - 06:12 PM
Posted 01 August 2006 - 07:14 AM
Posted 01 August 2006 - 07:44 AM
~Groucho: Are you married?
~Guest: No, I'm seperated.
~Groucho: Maybe you've been using the wrong kind of glue.
-Groucho Marx on Bet Your Life
Edited by Laurie Ann, 01 August 2006 - 07:47 AM.
Posted 02 August 2006 - 05:08 PM
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...GO FIGURE
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they cal it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have troublw with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with "Quit while you're ahead?"
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso (what an image)
Why not modern Latin: VENI, VEDI, VISA - I came, I saw, I shopped
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS
Clones are people two.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime nest door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A thru G?
So what's the speed of dark?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Posted 02 August 2006 - 05:09 PM
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