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TGIF--Time to laugh 2


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#136 Axman

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 01:54 PM

Silent Treatment...

OnlineDatingMagazine.com

It was a Saturday evening and Joseph and his wife, Ann, had just gotten into their third argument of the day and both were now giving each other the "silent treatment," vowing not to be the first one to speak.

However, at bedtime, Joseph realized that he would need his wife, who always awoke at 4:30am to wake him at 5:00am to get ready for an early morning golf session with his buddies. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and thus lose the "battle"), Joseph wrote on a piece of paper,

"Ann, please wake me at 5:00am."

The next morning, Joseph woke up at 9am, having missed his tee time with his friends. Furious, Joseph was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paperon his nightstand. The note read,

"Joseph, it's 5:00am. Wake up."



This is why divorces are so expensive, because they're worth every penny!
Ah. Well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen the EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY-SEVEN TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT... NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY... NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK? You think I'm qualified? --BeetlejuiceI'm the ghost with the most, babe.--BeetlejuiceWe've come for your daughter Chuck--Beetlejuice

#137 loganinkosovo

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Posted 05 September 2009 - 08:47 PM

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as
the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he
started eating right away.


'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his
mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'


'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house
and she knows how to cook!'
The only difference between Socialism and National Socialism is the snappy uniforms. - Logan "Aside from ending Slavery, Fascism and Communist World Domination, War has never solved anything!""For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute! But it's "Savior of 'is country" when the guns begin to shoot." - Rudyard Kipling"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf."---George Orwell"Always Remember-All Lessons in Life are Expensive.....and the last one costs you everything you have." - Logan"Socialism is just Communism without a Dictator....and you can always find a Dictator!" - Logan"An Armed Man is a Citizen. An Unarmed Man is a Subject. Subject to anything anyone wants to do to him." - Logan

#138 jenjen

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Posted 06 September 2009 - 05:58 AM

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as
the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he
started eating right away.


'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his
mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'


'That's at our house,' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house
and she knows how to cook!'

:Wall: thanks logan!

#139 midnight_ravynhawk

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Posted 13 September 2009 - 06:07 AM

:D you guys are hilarious!!! I only know 1 super funny joke but I'm sure it's too vulgar to put here and to clean it up would totally take away the funny!!!

My youngest son's favorite: Mom, I went to the doctor's and I told him I broke my leg in 2 places, guess what he told me??? To stop going to those 2 places..
Hey...he's only 10. :P
Sometimes it's easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission!!!

#140 MoonChild

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Posted 13 September 2009 - 02:08 PM

hahaha nice one midnight.
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#141 MoonChild

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Posted 22 January 2010 - 11:00 PM

this is a true incident as my friend told me just a while ago:



A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead!

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#142 MoonChild

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Posted 28 March 2010 - 12:21 PM

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.... Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying"."No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left... See more my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
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#143 jenjen

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Posted 31 March 2010 - 08:06 AM

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking.... Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying"."No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left... See more my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."


yikes!!! ;) :lol:

#144 MoonChild

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Posted 18 May 2010 - 12:08 AM

A very rich lawyer is approached by the charitable institution. The man from the institution is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity

"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare.

Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages.


Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..." "I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."

The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
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#145 MoonChild

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Posted 17 June 2010 - 04:29 AM

A guy, sitting outside his home about to be evicted from his house, was contemplating how the future would be after he had divorced his wife, lost his children and lost his job.

He notices a crate of beer bottles and walks up to it.

He takes out an empty bottle, smashing it into the concrete wall swearing, "You are the reason I don' t have a wife", second bottle, "You are the reason I don't have my children", third bottle "You are the reason I lost my job".

He notices the fourth bottle is sealed and still full of beer. He takes the bottle, puts it aside and says "Stand aside my dear friend, I know you were not involved".
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#146 MoonChild

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 09:55 AM

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:

"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.

"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:

Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"

Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."
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#147 jenjen

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Posted 10 September 2010 - 11:17 AM

:hug:

#148 MoonChild

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Posted 10 October 2010 - 10:06 PM

A woman went into Specsavers to return a pair of glasses that she had bought for her husband. The assistant said..." What's wrong with them Madam ? ". The woman replied..." I'm returning them because my husband is still not seeing things my way ".‌
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#149 MoonChild

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Posted 08 January 2011 - 12:36 AM

ROFLMAO that is all I say now, enjoy!
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#150 MoonChild

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Posted 03 March 2011 - 11:11 PM

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old.

Well . . . you'll love this one.

My name is alice ,and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school ..

'Yes, yes, I did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

When did you graduate?' I asked.

He answered, 'in 1975. Why do you ask?'

You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, fat-bottomed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-an-angel (!) asked,

'What did you teach???
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