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#46 MoonChild

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Posted 15 October 2006 - 08:10 AM

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#47 aloha_spirit

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Posted 18 October 2006 - 09:30 PM

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

I didn't lose my mind - I have it backed up on a disk ... somewhere


#48 Laurie Ann

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Posted 21 October 2006 - 08:11 AM

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past
and looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks
the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with
the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where
the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:

"Daaaaaaaang dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
~Women are angels...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.~

#49 MoonChild

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Posted 21 October 2006 - 08:17 AM

Laurie, I am suing for all the tea I spilled on the table!

**goes to fetch cloth to clen the stuck key board!**





ROFL!!! :blush: wonderful joke!
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#50 Laurie Ann

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Posted 22 October 2006 - 10:31 AM

Dance Evolution



...you have got to check out this guy...he's GOOD!
~Women are angels...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.~

#51 Laurie Ann

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Posted 22 October 2006 - 01:31 PM

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their
collections of actual similes and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country. Here are last year's winners:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are known to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


Aloha...that's just too funny!!!!! :clap: :clap: :clap:
~Women are angels...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.~

#52 Laurie Ann

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Posted 26 October 2006 - 05:08 PM

What did the skeleton say while riding his Harley Davidson?


...I was bone to be wild!!!!
~Women are angels...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.~

#53 MoonChild

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Posted 27 October 2006 - 02:51 PM

WORKING as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students. My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. "What are all these books?" he asked. Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias. "Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing?"

--Contributed to "All In a Day's Work"
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#54 MoonChild

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Posted 30 October 2006 - 10:45 AM

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"
One child answered, "Mary."
The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"
A little kid said, "Verge."
Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"
The kid said, "Well, you know, they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
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#55 MoonChild

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Posted 06 November 2006 - 10:54 PM

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?


2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.


3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!


4. Rottweiler: Make me.


5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.


6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!


7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation


8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.


9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!


10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.


11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."


12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?


13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...


14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.




How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?




Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:


"How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
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#56 MoonChild

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Posted 07 November 2006 - 08:16 AM

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision. Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go! When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
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#57 Redhead

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Posted 07 November 2006 - 10:02 AM

As someone who has had to deal with local gov't during a building project, I can state this is too true to be that funny!! LOL
"Never wrestle with a pig. All you get is dirty and the pig has all the fun." ~ Anon.

#58 Laurie Ann

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Posted 08 November 2006 - 07:43 AM

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
> peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
> passengers in his car."

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
"Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
> There's a support group for that.
> It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
> --Drew Carey

> "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
> --Jeff Foxworthy



> "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
> we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
> > --Bob Ettinger
>
> "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took> her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
> --Paula Poundstone
>
>"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
"Duh."
> -Conan O'Brien
>
> "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
> --Lynda Montgomery
>


> "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
> impersonators would be dead."
> --Johnny Carson
>
> "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
> --Paul Rodriguez
>
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida,
> but they turned sixty and that's the law."
> --Jerry Seinfeld

> "Remember in elementary school you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?> What, do tall people burn slower?"
> > --Warren Hutcherson
>
> "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
> Monogamy is the same."
> --Oscar Wilde

> "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."> --Mark Twain
>
"You can say any foolish thing to a dog,> and the dog will give you a look that says,
> > 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
> --Dave Barry
>
> Do you know why they call it "PMS"?> Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
> --Unknown, presumed deceased
>
> "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer."
> > - W. C. Fields
~Women are angels...and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly...on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.~

#59 MoonChild

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Posted 08 November 2006 - 11:03 AM

Thank you OceanAngel from ThothWeb for sharing these:

PROVERBS (A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder. Their insight may surprise you.) Better to be safe than..............Punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the .........................Bug is close.
It's always darkest before......Daylight Savings Time.
Never underestimate the power of........Termites.
You can lead a horse to water but........how?
Don't bite the hand that.............. looks dirty.
No news is................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a.............. Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new......math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll..........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the........pigs.
An idle mind is..................The best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.......pollution.
Happy the bride who...............gets all the presents.
A penny saved is....................... not much.
Two's company, three's..............the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what....you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and........you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as.................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not.....spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........get new batteries.
You get out of something what you....see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind.....get out of the way.
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#60 greenman

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Posted 09 November 2006 - 12:01 AM

Moonie, these are absolutely priceless.

Here are some for all of us coffee lovers. (I admit I'm a slave to the bean)
You've been drinking too much coffee when:
1. Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
2. You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
3. You speed walk in your sleep.
4. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
5. You grind coffe beans - in your mouth.
6. You have to watch videos in fast-forward
7. You lick your coffeepot clean.
8. You spend every vacation visiting "Maxwell House"
9. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.
10. The nurse needs a scientic calculator to take your pulse.
11. Al your kids are named "Joe".
12. You don't sewat, you percolate.
13. You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
14. The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.
15. You sleep with your eyes open.
"The circle is open but unbroken. Blessed Be"Posted Image Posted Image




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