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TGIF--Time to laugh 2


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#76 MoonChild

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Posted 05 April 2007 - 12:01 PM

:Spaz: :lol:
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#77 Charlotte

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Posted 05 April 2007 - 04:57 PM

Excerpts from a Dog's and a Cat's diary

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary



8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


Excerpts from a Cat's Diary



Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to
keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of
escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.

I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. B******s!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

For now...

Monte
CharlotteI have learned that being with those I love is enough!

#78 MoonChild

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Posted 26 April 2007 - 02:32 PM

Sobriety Test
spacer

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.
"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."
"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."
"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."
"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.
"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."
"Oh, no, I can't do that."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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#79 Mark London

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    So open minded that his brain has fallen out....watch your step

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Posted 26 April 2007 - 02:38 PM

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them

#80 Flormarina

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Posted 01 May 2007 - 09:28 AM

Humor



Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour"
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?"


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."


--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."


--------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
Posted ImageFlormarinaIf you got something to tell the world, write a book....

#81 MoonChild

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 05:20 AM

Presence of Mind

John works in a supermarket. A man came in and asked John for half a kilogram of butter. The boy told him they only sold 1 kg packets of butter, but the man was persistent. The boy said he'd go ask his manager what to do.

John walked into the back room and said, "There's a bloody fellow out there who wants to buy only half a kilo of butter."
As he finished saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him,
So he added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager finished the deal and later said to John, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet, and I like it a lot.

Which place are you from?"
John replied, "I'm from Mexico, sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Mexico?" asked the manager.
John replied, "They're all just prostitutes and soccer players up there."

"My wife is from Mexico," the manager said.
John replied, "Which team did she play for?"
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#82 Mark London

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    So open minded that his brain has fallen out....watch your step

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Posted 07 May 2007 - 05:29 AM

A man is sitting in a bar when a beautiful woman walks up and whispers in his ear, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks."
He puts his drink down and starts going through his pockets. He pulls out a ten, two five's, a twenty and ten ones.

He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman's hand and says, "Here...paint my house."

#83 Justa

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Posted 11 May 2007 - 07:47 PM

A blonde girl was getting pretty desperate for money. She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.
The first house she came to, a man answered the door and said, "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure, that sounds great!" she said.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked.

"Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, the girl knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," she replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
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#84 MoonChild

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Posted 12 May 2007 - 12:51 AM

:ghost: can imagine that look on the owners face!
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#85 MoonChild

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Posted 26 May 2007 - 05:53 AM

Programming Languages are Like Cars

Assembler: A formula I race car. Very fast but difficult to drive and maintain.
FORTRAN II: A Model T Ford. Once it was the king of the road.
FORTRAN IV: A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77: a six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and no seat belts.
COBOL: A delivery van. It's bulky and ugly but it does the work.
BASIC: A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched upholstery. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive. You'll ditch it as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I: A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield.
C++: A black Firebird, the all macho car. Comes with optional seatbelt (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to assembler).
ALGOL 60: An Austin Mini. Boy that's a small car.
ALGOL 68: An Aston Martin. An impressive car but not just anyone can drive it.
Pascal: A Volkswagon Beetle. It's small but sturdy. Was once popular with intellectual types.
LISP: An electric car. It's simple but slow. Seat belts are not available.
PROLOG/LUCID: Prototype concept cars.
FORTH: A go-cart.
LOGO: A kiddie's replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real engine and a working horn.
APL: A double-decker bus. It takes rows and columns of passengers to the same place all at the same time but it drives only in reverse and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada: An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering, power brakes, and automatic transmission are standard. No other colors or options are available. If it's good enough for generals, it's good enough for you.
Java: All-terrain very slow vehicle.
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#86 MoonChild

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Posted 02 June 2007 - 05:38 PM

A young man shopping in a supermarket
Noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout,
And she turned to him and said,
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease;
it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out
"Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store,
It would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout,
And as she was on her way out of the store,
The man called out,

"Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled
Back at him

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine
Into someone's day, he went to pay for his
Groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ...
I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied,
"Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."



Thanks to SolaneStar from LindaLand for sharing this
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#87 Flormarina

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Posted 09 June 2007 - 08:22 AM

A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT





They were together in the House.


Just the two of them.


It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly


Each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.


She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.


She wanted that...more than anything.


Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...


He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.


He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.


He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.


He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.


The storm raged on...as did their growing passion. And there came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.


They knew it was wrong...


Their families would never understand... So consumed were they in their passion that they heard no opening of doors...just the faint click of a camera......
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Posted ImageFlormarinaIf you got something to tell the world, write a book....

#88 MoonChild

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Posted 10 June 2007 - 01:51 PM

Why I fired my secretary ...

Last week was my 50th birthday and I didn't feel very well when I woke up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.'

I thought... 'Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...They will remember.' My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!' It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until about one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each, and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, it's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok,' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes,she came out carrying a huge birthday cake .. Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday.'

And I just sat there...

On the couch...


Naked.
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#89 Mark London

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    So open minded that his brain has fallen out....watch your step

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Posted 10 June 2007 - 01:54 PM

:clap: :)

#90 Flormarina

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Posted 14 June 2007 - 05:11 PM

:Spaz: :Spaz: That was a good one Moonie :explode: :Spaz:
Posted ImageFlormarinaIf you got something to tell the world, write a book....




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