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#121 MoonChild

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Posted 24 September 2007 - 03:08 PM

Once upon a time
In a land far away,
A beautiful, independent,
Self-assured princess

Happened upon a frog as she sat
Contemplating ecological issues
On the shores of an unpolluted pond
In a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap
And said: " Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince,
Until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however,
And I will turn back
Into the dapper, young prince that I am

And then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~
And set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
With my mother,
~~~~~~~~
Where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
Clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
And forever feel
Grateful and happy doing so. "
~~~~~~~~

That night,
As the princess dined sumptuously
On lightly sauteed frog legs
Seasoned in a white wine
And onion cream sauce,

She chuckled and thought to herself:

I don't #*#*#*#* think so.
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#122 MoonChild

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Posted 26 September 2007 - 04:54 AM

Francisco was in trouble.

He forgot his 10th wedding anniversary. His wife was pretty peeved.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway,

one that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!!!!!"

The next morning Frank got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window. Sure enough there
was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Wondering if it
might be the keys to a new car, the wife threw on her robe, ran out to
the driveway and brought the box into the house.

When she opened it, she found a brand new bathroom scale.

Frank has been missing since Friday.



Please pray for him...
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#123 MoonChild

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Posted 27 September 2007 - 03:48 PM

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.

Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.

Want to live longer?

Take a nap.

------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.

So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.

Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass green leafy vegetable).

And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means; they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.

Beer is also made out of grain.

Bottoms up!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.

If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.

In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.

You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!

It's the best feel-good food around!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO! What a Ride'

AND... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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#124 MoonChild

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Posted 29 September 2007 - 06:05 AM

This guy was climbing a tree when suddenly he slipped, then grabbed at a branch and was hanging there. After an hour or so had passed he felt himself getting exhausted and looked up to the heavens and cried out: "God, help me, please, help me."

All of a sudden the clouds parted and a voice boomed out from on high. "Let Go!" said the voice.

The guy paused and looked up at heaven once more, then said: "Is there anyone else up there?"
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#125 MoonChild

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Posted 13 October 2007 - 01:09 PM

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
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#126 Flormarina

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Posted 04 November 2007 - 09:31 AM

Softball in Heaven










********************************************************************************

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their
lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One
day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our
lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor:
when you get to Heaven, some how you must let me know if there's
women's soft-ball there."

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been
my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this
favor for you."
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb,
Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb -- it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little
bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news ," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven.
Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we're all
young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains
or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we
never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So
what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."
________________________________________________________________________
om
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#127 Flormarina

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Posted 02 December 2007 - 08:26 AM

The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this! Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a piece of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some wine .





13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweat pants

10. Pissy Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff



and my favorite one.





13. Potential Murder Suspect
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#128 Flormarina

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Posted 06 December 2007 - 07:35 PM

How to make a Woman Happy.................

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A Sexologist
15. A gynaecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. Very clean
23. Sympathetic
24. Athletic
25. Warm
26. Attentive
27. Gallant
28. Intelligent
29. Funny
30. Creative
31. Tender
32. Strong
33. Understanding
34. Tolerant
35. Prudent
36. Ambitious
37. Capable
38. Courageous
39. Determined
40. True
41. Dependable
42. Passionate
43. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

44. Give her compliments regularly
45. Love shopping
46. Be honest
47. Be very rich
48. Not stress her Out
49. Not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

50. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself.
51. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
52. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

53. Never to forget:
* Birthdays
* Anniversaries
* Arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and beer
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#129 Flormarina

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Posted 02 June 2008 - 08:11 AM

Spaghetti.......

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One
night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his
reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would
go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the
child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18 She
agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write
'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support
payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused
wife.'Honey,'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh,
just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
and watched as her hu sband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.'
:D
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#130 MoonChild

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Posted 07 July 2008 - 12:24 PM

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#131 sweetmamadot777

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Posted 29 July 2008 - 01:02 AM

3 dead bodies in the mortuary,
all with big smiles on their faces.

Policeman asks why are they all smiling.

Coroner replies,

The 1st man is a scotsman died from heart failure
while making love to his 30yr old wife.

The 2nd man is an englishman who died while making love
to his19yr old girlfriend.

The 3rd guy is an irishman who was struck by lightning.

The copper asks, "so why was he smiling?"

The coroner replies, "He thought he was having his
photo taken."
..............................................................
What do you call a shop full of nuns?
A virgin megastore !
...............................................................
A Priest lost his pet rooster and couldn't find it no matter how many times he checked around his Parish. Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass.

From the pulpit, he asked loudly, "Anyone got a BAD_WORD?"
All the men inside the Church stood up!

"No, I mean, has anyone seen a BAD_WORD?"
All the women inside the Church stood up!

"No, no, no...what I mean is...has anyone seen MY BAD_WORD?"
All the nuns stood up!
......................................................................

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating," her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked.
"That's a daddy longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked.
"No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs,"
The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stamped them flat....
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of BAD_WORD in our garden!"
Life isn't about waiting for the sun.It's about learning to dance in the rain

#132 MoonChild

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Posted 30 July 2008 - 12:39 PM

hahahaha those are so nice!
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#133 Flormarina

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 09:06 AM

Practical JOkE :D

http://s150.photobuc...maquillaje-.flv
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#134 jenjen

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Posted 11 December 2008 - 10:12 AM

You've all probably heard this one before, it's an oldie but a freakin' goodie! Enjoy :D

Three Ladies in a Sauna
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR
>>> CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
>>>
>>> SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE
>>> YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
>>> BEEP STOPPED.
>>>
>>> THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY.
>>> 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY
>>> ARM.
>>>
>>> A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE
>>> SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
>>>
>>> WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT
>>> WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'
>>>
>>> THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW -TECH. NOT
>>> TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.
>>> SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
>>>
>>>
>>> SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET
>>> PAPER
>>> HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
>>>
>>>
>>> THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND
>>> STARED AT HER.
>>>
>>> THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY
>>> SAID.........WELL,
>>> WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT....
>>> I'M GETTING A FAX!!
>>>

#135 MoonChild

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Posted 28 June 2009 - 01:54 AM

Silent Treatment...

OnlineDatingMagazine.com

It was a Saturday evening and Joseph and his wife, Ann, had just gotten into their third argument of the day and both were now giving each other the "silent treatment," vowing not to be the first one to speak.

However, at bedtime, Joseph realized that he would need his wife, who always awoke at 4:30am to wake him at 5:00am to get ready for an early morning golf session with his buddies. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and thus lose the "battle"), Joseph wrote on a piece of paper,

"Ann, please wake me at 5:00am."

The next morning, Joseph woke up at 9am, having missed his tee time with his friends. Furious, Joseph was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paperon his nightstand. The note read,

"Joseph, it's 5:00am. Wake up."
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