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TGIF--Time to laugh 2


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#1 kats_god

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Posted 14 March 2006 - 01:10 PM

Share your funniest joke with us. Make them good, I really want to laugh. So share a joke, post a funny link, or just make a funny face.
Check out my artwork at:http://www.jimdemick.com/
and on Facebook
Posted Image https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Art-of-Jim-Demick/261669903877527

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"There are some things money can't buy...A good imagination is one of them

#2 kats_god

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Posted 16 March 2006 - 10:41 AM

Posted Image
Check out my artwork at:http://www.jimdemick.com/
and on Facebook
Posted Image https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Art-of-Jim-Demick/261669903877527

Posted ImagePosted Image

"There are some things money can't buy...A good imagination is one of them

#3 aloha_spirit

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Posted 17 March 2006 - 01:48 PM

I just bought a bag of Chips Ahoy! cookies. On the cover it says "Find Me Inside! and you could WIN. No purchase ncessary." Unfortunately, Walmart wasn't forgiving when they saw me open the bag (that's why I had to pay for it).

I didn't lose my mind - I have it backed up on a disk ... somewhere


#4 aloha_spirit

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Posted 31 March 2006 - 03:53 PM

School Excuse Notes

These are excuse notes from parents (original spelling intact) collected by schools from all over the country:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execure him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please excuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diahre dyrea direathe the runs.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse little Jimmy for being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

I didn't lose my mind - I have it backed up on a disk ... somewhere


#5 Redhead

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Posted 31 March 2006 - 04:02 PM

:lol: A True Wisconsin Ghost Story :ghost:

This happened just outside of Spooner, a little town in the
northwoods of Wisconsin. And while it sounds like an
Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real!

This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitch hiking
on a real dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm.
Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so
hard he could hardly see his hand in front of his face.
Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and
stopped.

Wanting a ride real bad the guy jumped in the car and closed the
door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind
the wheel, and no sound of an engine to be heard over the rain.

Again the car crept slowly forward and the guy was terrified, too
scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the
car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to
jump out, he started to pray and began begging for his life; he was
sure the ghost car would go off the road and into a nearby lake and
he would drown! But, just before the curve, a shadowy figure
appeared at the driver's window and a hand reached in and turned the
steering wheel, guiding the car safely around the bend. Then,
just as silently, the hand disappeared through the window
and the hitchhiker was alone again!

Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time
they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had all
he could take and jumped out of the car and ran as fast as he could
into town.

Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and, with a quivering voice,
ordered two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his
supernatural experience. A silence enveloped and everybody
got goose bumps when they realized the guy was telling the
truth.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
the other, "Look Ole, ders dat idiot that rode in our car when we wuz
pushin' it in der rain."

:wow:
"Never wrestle with a pig. All you get is dirty and the pig has all the fun." ~ Anon.

#6 MoonChild

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Posted 01 April 2006 - 12:19 AM

:ghost: weekend laughs!
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#7 Redhead

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Posted 03 April 2006 - 12:28 AM

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken"

:Spaz:
"Never wrestle with a pig. All you get is dirty and the pig has all the fun." ~ Anon.

#8 MoonChild

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Posted 17 April 2006 - 10:24 AM

GRADING PAPERS

Can you imagine yourself to be the nun that is sitting at her desk grading these papers all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.


1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10 THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
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#9 aloha_spirit

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Posted 17 April 2006 - 03:02 PM

Here's a laugh for Tax Day in the USA:

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

I didn't lose my mind - I have it backed up on a disk ... somewhere


#10 rogerfl

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Posted 17 April 2006 - 07:22 PM

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Death may be the greatest of all human blessings. -Socrates-The only good is knowledge and the only evil is ignorance. -Socrates-

#11 MoonChild

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Posted 08 May 2006 - 12:08 PM

...... and the lawyers actually asked these!

The following quotations are taken from official court records :

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
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#12 DarkPrincess

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Posted 08 May 2006 - 12:32 PM

LOL

How do you know which guy is Ronald McDonald at a nudist beach?

He's the only one with seseme seed buns
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#13 MoonChild

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Posted 24 May 2006 - 06:19 PM

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#14 MoonChild

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Posted 26 May 2006 - 12:35 PM

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#15 MoonChild

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Posted 07 June 2006 - 08:47 AM

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

"Bob".
"And what is your question, Bob?"


"I have 3 questions. First........... Why did the USA invade Iraq
without the support of the UN?

Second...... Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
And third.... What happened to Osama Bin Laden?


Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies
that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right
------- question time. Who has a question?"


A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and
asks him what his name is.
"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions.

First.......... Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second..... Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?
Third........ What happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth...... Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?!

And fifth... Where is "Bob"? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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