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I've never seen anything, exactly, but I'm worried that I am a sensitive. Well, worried because, next year (fingers crossed) I will hopefully be attending Kenyon College-- a college known for its ghosts.
I guess, first I should explain my background.... I'm sort of from everywhere. My mother is French Haitian, so I was brought up with a lot of supstitions... I don't exactly believe in a god, but I do believe in "spirits", ghosts-- something in my bones tells me that they exist. My mother's grandmother was known for her physic abilities, and my mother is also very sensitive to certain things.. She used to fool around with tarot cards until she began to see things, and was frightened. Last year she took up meditating, and found she could see peoples' "auras"... A sort of color that would come to her when she thought of them-- my own being a light, sea-foam green. On my father's side of my family, we have native American blood, specifically Algonquin and Cherokee. It is "old blood", that can be traced back to Oliver Cromwell, the "Lord Protector" of England, Ireland and Scotland. My father's mother died before I was born, is said to have had "visions" of me-- that she knew I was coming...
My "sensitivity" to whatever else there is out there has been inconsistent. When I was a small child, I would have dreams, and the next day, there would be moments of "deja vu"... A strange sense of familiarity, as if I had had glimpses of the future. These events were few and far between.Recently however, I have been having similar experiences... Little things. I'll be walking through the supermarket and everything will just feel familiar-- the faces of people passing me, the items in some stranger's cart... Little things. Unimportant, but still unnerving... Not frightening. They just settle, with a curious sort of knot in my stomach.
When I was young, we also had to live over seas. I spent a great deal of time in the former Soviet Union, and most of the time was fine.. Until we had to visit Moscow. The dreams I had there truly unnerving... I would sit at one end of a long, dark wooded table, with a plate of food in front of me. I would not eat, but instead stare into the face of an old grandfather clock. I am dressed funny-- in something dark, that one might see in a history book. A woman with a long, stern face and black eyes walks in and tells me that "its time", that I have to go... I do not want to go. The clock strikes the hour and the chime turns into a bellow that rattles the room loose-- then I would wake.
I had that dream once more recently, a couple of years ago... Another dream from my childhood I still remember, because I was so badly frightened by it. I dreamt that I was in a court room, pleading for my innocence. Again, in a different time, my face powdered, and I am dressed in a gown. All up and down the walls of the courtroom there are seats, and I beg and beg, but I know they have already sentenced me to "hang by the neck until dead". I run, there are dark woods and at one point I might be on a horse... Then I am in a dark, close room. I am crying, and rocking myself. They find me, and I know I am going to die. A man takes me by the hair-- then, I wake up.
Recently, I have had strange dreams-- one with a hawk, wolves, and a woman who places her hand on the small of my back and tells me that it is "the depth of the ocean", another where the halk flies down to mE, but as he grows closer seems not to be a hawk at all. He gets very close, so that he is right up against me, his is cross eyed, I cannot see the whole of him but I know that there is a sort of grey fur about his face. He licks my arm-- he must be huge because his tongue is almost the length of my arm... He then speaks to me and says "I am not a hawk".
I know this seems a bit silly, but the feeling these dreams give me tell me that they are not... There must be some meaning behind them... Everything about me, my family history, my birthday- the 24th of June (the Gemini-Cancer cusp, which is felt to be "magical"), the fact that I strike people as an "old soul", seems to make me predisposed to being a sensitive... And I fear that when I go to Kenyon (its a pretty sure shot), that I will see something, or hear something...
I love the College. I spent two weeks there last summer, and it is just perfect.... With of course, that one exception. For most of my time there, i stayed in the new buildings, but when I would walk into the "ballroom" or near Old Kenyon (that famously burnt down during a party), I would just feel a sort of breathless feeling, a bit weak-kneed... Or just that I wasn't alone... A feeling of being watched.. That I wasn't supposed to be there... i don't know how to explain it properly.
Firstly, I guess I want to know if i'm being completely ridiculous-- which is very possible. Don't hesitate to tell me if you feel that that is the case.... Secondly, if my concern is valid, I guess I would like some advice, on what to do on what I should expect.... Oh, I don't know.
Help would really be appreciated.I can't explain the sort of enxiety i feel in the pit of my stomach when i think of it...
Thanks so much...
PS- Sorry about the absurd length lol... I just felt I should tell you guys everything...
